Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, honored guests, my fellow Americans.

This afternoon, around 4pm-ish, I have the honor of reporting to you on the State of my Union.

Today I stand before you to report that I have created the two longest written pieces in my own personal history — with nearly 174 thousand words, subject matters ranging from existential darkness made tangible to demons on the rampage, one of which was written at the fastest pace in history, with the smallest number of plot holes — and the highest approval of my friends and family.

For the first time in nearly three decades, I have two novels ready to be published. From a deficit of zero novels in 2004, I had a boost in writing confidence that resulted in this near exess of words, AND NOW I am on course of continuous novel surpluses for the next 50 years.

Thanks to the pioneering leadership of myself, I am writing the highest word count rate per day in a quarter century and the have developed the clearest voice in a quarter century.

I am a strong force for making things up, from fictional Buffalo, to fictional Reno, to fictional New York City.

My fellow Americans, I stand before you to report that the state of my union is strong. (Applause.)

Now, I am writing for realzies. The promise of my future is limitless. But I cannot realize that promise if I allow the hum of my prosperity to lull me into complacency. How I fare as a writer far into the 21st century depends upon what I do as a writer today.

So with my short story supply growing, my vocabulary expanding, my confidence rising, now is the moment for me to meet my historic responsibility to the 21st century. (Applause.)

My literary knowledge gives me an unsurpassed opportunity to address a remarkable new challenge: the publication of me.

With the number of novels on the market doubled since 2008, baby steps will become a “XMAX steps.” So first and above all, I must have an agent procured for the 21st century. (Applause.)
I am now at the beginning of a new of a century where book after book of my authoring will answer the call to greatness, overcome this Depression, lift up the dispossessed, bring down barriers to racial prejudice, build the largest middle class in history, win two world wars and the “long twilight struggle” of the ghetto-ization of the horror, science fiction and fantasy genres.

We must all be profoundly grateful for the magnificent achievements my books shall accomplish this century.

Yet perhaps in the daily press of events, in the clash of controversy, we do not see our own time for what it truly is: a new dawn for me.

A hundred years from tonight, another author will write in this place to report on the State of his Union. He – – or she — will — will look back — he or she will look back on a 21st century shaped in so many ways by the books I shall write here and now. So let it be said of me then that I was thinking not only of our time, but of their time; that I reached as high as our ideals; that I put aside my doubts and found a new hour of healing and hopefulness; that we joined together to buy and read the books that I wrote.

My fellow Americans, this is my moment. Let us lift our eyes as one nation, and from the twin peaks of these first two novels, look ahead to the next ones, asking the Publisher’s blessing on my endeavors and on our beloved country.

Thank you, and good evening.