So one of my many weighty responsibilities here at work is to extract and upload 2 minute excerpts from our audio books. They arrive at my office in a massive, cumbersome cardboard envelope, and I shake them out onto the floor like heavy pieces of gaudily wrapped candy.

Then I cut out a 2 minute segment from each with these massive lead scissors, and put them in the envelope and send them back.

I get to work on good books. Interesting stuff. Fiction, memoirs, best sellers, little indie hits that’ll lie gasping on the book seller’s shelf for a week and then disappear forever more. Mostly books I’d never buy myself, but though they’re varied and look intriguing, who has the time to listen to them? I mean, I read quickly, I scan several lines every second (sometimes faster if I’m jazzed up on coffee), and flip through the pages as if I were in a rush even when lying in bed with nothing else to do. But these audio books? They… are read… so… slowly. I don’t have the patience.

“And then… Margaret… opened the door… and saw… the most horrible thing… that she had ever seen… outside of her worst nightmare… it was… something that looked… like a combination… a… com… bin… a… tion… of… marmoset… and death… squiddddddddddd…”

Maybe if I drove lots. Or was blind. But otherwise? No go, G.I. Joe.